Silent Words Fall

“I want a divorce.”  

These are the last words I remember Jared saying to me clearly. Earlier that day, I just remembered pulling him out of bed, as he dragged his long slinky white arms across the even whiter mattress, me exclaiming to him how excited I was to finally go to Cedar Point. I had never been but I had always wanted to go. I knew I was asking a lot of him but he had never said “no” to me before. Was I pushing him too hard? Did I say, or do something to make him upset?  

Now we’re sitting here at the top of a roller coaster, his inaudible words flow past my ear drum, rivaling those of screams and my own heartbeat. The anxiety and thrill I had from the ride roll to anxiety, fear, and resentment. He’s not yelling, but I wish he were.  

In a panic, I lift up on the seat and the safety bar placed there to hold us to the ride comes loose. Our hands meet as a reaction rather than a romantic response and we realize now that this isn’t where either one of us wanted to be.  

One year ago, today, my best friend passed away. Erica was crazy. She was fun, engaging, that person that’s totally an extravert. Over the years we have cried together, gotten into fights together, and even fought other people on each others behalf. We were the classic friends since kindergarten. Her favorite place, she’d never go was Cedar Point. We had always planned on going together and had a chance in middle school, but she was sick. I chose not to go and to stay with her. There we decided we would do everything together. That was, up until we left and went to college. We spent 12 years getting to know everything about each other, and it only took one summer to tear it all down. 

We planned our whole lives, up until this point, knowing that we were going to BMU. Me for Marketing and Business, and Erica for Music Therapy. For whatever reason, Erica talked with Mr. Slainy right after the SAT and was convinced to go somewhere else. No one ever took Mr. Slainy seriously, but for whatever reason, she did that day. We fought, argued, fought some more, cried, and fought some more for weeks the summer of 2015.  

Leaving for school was hard. Knowing, that the person that knew me best might be replaced, ripped a hole in my heart; and honestly, I never wanted to see her again. Then I met Jared. He was soft, gentle, and kind. Usually did what I asked, which is why I think we worked so well. Or maybe, why I thought we did. Things progressed a few years and he proposed, also because I asked him to. Excited, I reached back out to Erica to be my Maid of honor. She was overjoyed. I was so happy to finally have my friend back. 

As a surprise, we planned a trip to Cedar Point for my Bachelorette party. This was supposed to happen in May of 2019, right before all our lives changed forever. Covid-19 took a lot of things from a lot of people, but it took my best friend from me last year. We never did get to go on that trip together, but I think I pushed Jared too hard. He never really like these kinds of things, but he always did what I asked.  

Now sitting here next to him, I finally realize that he was a real decent guy. As we descend on the roller coaster, I look at Jared and begin to cry. I hold him tight and whisper in his ear, “I’m sorry.”